Bezos Rides Atop Giant Blue Origin Penis Shaped Space Ship
TUESDAY JULY 20, 2021:
Jeff Bezos is officially an astronaut after rocketing into space. Seated aboard the Blue Origin space ship “New Shepard”, built by his company Blue Origin, Bezos became the richest human to enter space. Launching from his West Texas space facility, the event was hailed as a milestone in the commercialization of space flight.
Penis In The Sky
People couldn’t help but notice that the Blue Origin ship resembled a giant phallus which was brought up in several interviews with the press. Bezos shed some light on this to a few media outlets such as CNN. “Part of thinking outside of the box is to look for inspiration from many sources,” Bezos commented. “Bob Smith our CEO saw an article about the famous “Penis In The Sky” skywriting incident by that U.S. Navy pilot. He came to me and said, I know how our spaceship should look and it went from there!”
The Bezos Design Inspiration for Blue Origin
“It didn’t take long for us to find the more direct inspiration and we found it online right in our own backyard,” Bezos commented. We modeled the Blue Origin spaceship after the Personal Wand Massager by VibeMax which you can buy on Amazon.com for $26.95. With an almost 5 Star rating, we knew this was the way to go,” Bezos stated.
Austin Powers, Jeff Bezos and Dr. Evil
In addition to noticing Bezos rode atop one of his marital aids for sale on Amazon.com, other folks compared him to Dr. Evil from the movie Austin Powers. Bezos, responded angrily to the comparison. “Dr. Evil has nothing on me. Maybe he had a giant space laser, similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene, but he was never as successful at avoiding paying taxes as me.
Also see: Joel Osteen Meets Donald Trump.
Both paid little to no taxes. It’s time to #TaxTheChurches.
Rep Matt Gaetz and Rudy Giuliani Announce New Business Venture: #GaetzCream
Sunday July 18, 2021: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Indoctrinate Your Kids With MAGA and QAnon With An Ice Cream Cone
US Representative Matt Gaetz and MAGA Attorney to the stars Rudy Giuliani announce their joint business venture #GaetzCream. Taking the neighborhood ice cream truck to the next level, #GaetzCream sports its own special brand of ice cream called “17 Flavors.” Sure to be a hit with the MAGA folks, this new ice cream delivery service promises lots of smiles on a hot summer day.
The MAGA Agenda, Matt Gaetz, Rudy Giuliani and Ice Cream
Coming back from his success at his Riverside #MAGAMania rally, Representative Matt Gaetz stated: “#GaetzCream is the epitome of the MAGA agenda. We are teaching kids and high schoolers that you can enjoy ice cream on a hot summer day and spread the Delta variant of COVID-19 as well.” Gaetz also added: “We expect this to do particularly well in areas that are buying into “The Big Lie.” We have actually done a test run in front of The White House, but that didn’t seem to go over so well. We intend to focus our efforts on the areas of the country that enjoy sedition.”
17 Flavors will be unique to the ice cream venture. Formulated with ice cream loving seditionists in mind, #GaetzCream will be sure to bring a smile to the face of The Big Lie and QAnon believers alike. 17 flavors is just what a hot summer day, due to Global Warming, calls for.
- Covid Colada
- Sedition Strawberry
- Teen Spirit
- Gang Greene Delight
- Trump Orange
- Not So Vanilla
- Sex Trafficking Sinnamon
- Vaccine Vanilla
- Fauci Ouchi
- Rudy Rose
- Pence Punch
- Adderall Apple
- DeathSantis Dark Fudge
- MAGA Madness Strawberry
- Apprentice Apricot
- Jim Jones Kool Aid
- QAnon Crunch
Reps Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene Backtrack to Riverside California and Conjure Adolf Hitler
UPDATED July 18, 2021 – Riverside, California From Stand For Better
In a surprise move following the rally at Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia, United States Representatives Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz took their America First rally to Riverside California for an impromptu protest in front of Riverside City Hall. Thousands of MAGA supporters greeted the duo along with regular citizens who are not into racism or QAnon.
Trump Steps Up to Help Greene and Gaetz
Former President Donald J. Trump once again stepped up to the plate and flew the Dynamic Duo to Riverside on his 1970’s Trump Airlines Boeing 727. Thought to have been grounded long ago by the FAA, the airliner made a surprise appearance following the whirlwind trip from California to Philadelphia earlier in the day. Former President Trump commented, “Gaetz and Greene are part of the MAGA agenda. What better way to Super-Spread the Delta variant and QAnon than to send the best and brightest to Riverside, California. We will win bigly in 2024.”
Gaetz and Greene Conjure Adolf Hitler From The Grave
In a move that shocked onlookers, Reps Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene mid-speech raised their hands to the sky and began uttering some sort of spell. Shortly thereafter, Matt Gaetz removed his sunglasses and his eyes rolled back into his head. Seconds later, Adolf Hitler materialized. Bob from Riverside detailed the incident. “…yea out of the blue Gaetz pulled off his sunglasses and all of a sudden his eyes rolled back into his head like he was going to pass out. Out of the blue Adolf Hitler materializes out of thin air. We were shocked. At first, I thought it was Trump, but realized it was Adolf.
Following the surprise conjuring of the dictator, the crowd went wild and began chanting “Trump, Trump, Trump!” Bob from Riverside continued: “yea man it was like magic! You know Hitler did some good things for his country too! Trump told us that!” Gaetz continued his speech thanking Hitler for taking a break from Hell to come spread the MAGA message.
Hitler Speaks MAGA Agenda
Following his conjuring, The Führer spoke through a Proud Boys interpreter: “Fellow Trump supporters, I took a break from Hell to come let you know I am always with you in spirit. I am honored that Former President Trump learned from the me on how to inspire fanaticism. Keep up the great work!”
More MAGA Guests: KKK, Proud Boys and BRUT Cologne
In a massive show of support, members of the Riverside chapter of the Ku Klux Klan joined Gaetz, Green, and Hitler onstage. Later, the Proud Boys joined the party to offer support. Looking to curry favor with Rep. Matt Gaetz, the Proud Boys presented Gaetz with a lifesize bottle of BRUT Cologne. Gaetz, teary-eyed, thanked the Proud Boys: “Man you guys really know a way to a man’s heart. When I was in High School that was the scent popular with all the girls. It still is today.”
Four Seasons Total Landscaping Plays Host to US Reps Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz At Rally
Saturday July 17th 2021 – Holmesburg, Philadelphia From Stand For Better
It turns out you can’t keep two MAGA maniacs down as United States Representatives Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz hold their “America First” rally.
Following California’s refusal to host the dynamic duo’s “America First” rally, United States Representatives Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz were spirited away to their new rally site, Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Holmesburg, Philadelphia where they held their event in front of adoring MAGA crowds. Not surprising, the location, famous for Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s Trump campaign press event, was wildly sucessful for the two and their fanatic followers.
Trump to the Rescue America First Rally
Frustrated by California’s aversion to QAnon and racism, Greene and Gaetz reached out to former President Trump for his assistance. Trump sprung into action and dispatched his 1970’s vintage Trump Airlines Boeing 727 to pick up the pair to transport them to the new rally location. “We are appreciative of the President sending one of his planes to pick me and my pal Greene up,” said Gaetz. “We totally traveled in style, however, the plane did smell of BRUT Cologne and cigarettes.”
The event went without a hitch. The crowd was not disappointed as Greene and Gaetz performed their new routine with such hits as “Jewish Space Lasers and You,” “QAnon: Why the Kool-Aid is Oh-So-Good,” “How to Get JFK Jr. At YOUR Rally,” and finally “17 Reasons For Lowering The Age of Consent.” The crowd totally seemed to dig it. “Wow I had no idea JFK Jr could show up at my QAnon Pot Luck,” Betty from Allentown PA commented.
BRUT Cologne and the MAGA Agenda
The crowd seemed to love the Gaetz-Greene duo, especially the scent. “Man the duo was great,” Don from Miami commented after re-arranging his flight to see the pair. “I was so close to the podium, I could really smell BRUT Cologne. It was overpowering. I know Representative Gaetz is a real lady’s man, so maybe he was the one wearing it. If BRUT Cologne is part of the MAGA agenda, I’m in!”